About addiction

Hey there! I'm back after more than one year.

Since my last post a lot of things have happened - both good and bad - but mostly good.

Aside from all the good - which I'll talk about in another post - today I wanted to talk about addiction.

For the past few months I was in stable psychologically - which made me be constantly worried as everything was going so good... my brain is not used to it, and so, I was trying to make up scenarios in which things would go bad. Talking about it with my therapist helped, as she made me see that I was addicted to suffering... I had nothing to suffer about at that moment... yet it's almost like I wanted something to be worried about, and as there was nothing, I worried about the what ifs.

In the past I've had substance abuse issues, my mind has a big addictive component, and so, I've spent loads on money on cannabis, clothes, nail polish, etc... The spending factor is a big one in addiction, which I already talked on various posts.

At the beginning of June I started playing a new MMORPG which was allegedly free to play! Amazing! But before I knew it had taken over my life. The house was a mess, I wasn't taking care of myself, I wasn't taking care of my surroundings and decided to stop... just to re-take it a few days later.

After this... I started on getting packs from the game (known as microtransactions) as it was seemingly impossible to improve your character stats - and it was, but I didn't want to see it, and they disguise it OH SO WELL so you just keep getting packs and spending your money without realizing how much you're spending.

Before I realized I had spend 1500€ on something that was giving me anxiety daily, taking sooooo many hours of each day, and a fixation and desperation to get better. The worst of all is... I didn't realize I had spend so much... I had to make myself a spreadsheet and see. It was devastating. I had taken into my savings. I was refusing plans just so I could had spare money to take on more loot packs from the game. I stopped enjoying soooo many things.

That realization was... this week. I'm so embarrassed, so frustrated, trying to get my money back as yes, I had an addictive component in myself, but this game was announced as FREE TO PLAY, and no warning was made about gambling risks.

I contacted the company... and they told me they couldn't make any refunds... I had opened claims with paypal over every single payment. I've cancelled every possible payment made through paypal on my bank... And I don't know how this is gonna end up, I'm filled with anxiety and afraid this will come with even more monetary reprecussions. I opened a complaint with the Catalan Board of Consume, asking for all my money back against the company and arguing about the gambling component it has without a warning.

I found out this game was banned before release in both Belgium and The Netherlands as they have anti loot-boxes laws to protect their citicens from gambling.

Over all this has been and addiction relapse... and I am disappointed about it. I had been 2 years sober of cannabis and 1 and a half sober with alcohol. I have had ups and downs tho with spending on clothing and general shit I don't need... But this has been the culprit. 

Yes I am ashamed, yes I have remorse, yes I am disappointed... but I'm also glad I realized I had a big issue between my hands before it got further. This has lasted three months. Yes, I relapsed, and it's something that can happen, even if it's in a way you didn't expect.

Living with an addictive mind is a life-long process of fighting and overcoming obessions and impulses. Therapy is essential, and a support system is aswell. Please, write about it, talk to someone close about it... It will take part of the burdain off of you and will help you realize more about the issue... or something that is starting to be an issue.

Be kind with yourself, you're doing great, you are a good person and you deserve happyness.

♥

The observer

The other day, like a couple weeks ago, I was going out to throw out the trash. On my way back home I discerned something that really stood out to me. 

Picture just your regular lane to an avenue, people walking, the sun is shining, spring has sprung and all the trees are green. Everyone's on their own thing. I take a few steps on the sidewalk back from the trash recycling and start walking up on an incline.

I'm always with my headphones, some song on repeat, or some album or playlist created by me on repeat. I love to observe everything. The people, the movement around, the soil, the pavement, the metal of the railing on the ramp, the trees... People's always so focused, so worried with what they ought to do, they miss everything that's around them, and I live in my surroundings.

Anyway, lucky me, I found a new anthill, in a tiny crack by the sidewalk. Hundreds of ants were working nonstop, bringing teeny tiny rocks in, seeds, crumbs, little twigs and sticks, all you can imagine, and I couldn't but sit on the ground and stare at them, mesmerized, when 3 of them took a piece of a brick, maybe 5x3mm, and quickly a couple more ants joined in to help. It seemed so daunting, it was huge for them, and I wasn't quite sure it was gonna fit in their nest's hole! It all was a call for disaster! - I was thinking - all this work and efforts and maybe then they won't be able to take advantage of what looks like a key piece for them.

After like 10 minutes of careful observation - of various groups of ants, bringing in diverse items to the nest and other going out to new adventures - the brick group finally arrived. And then... like nothing, they maneuvered without any issue and the frikkin piece of brick entered no problem, I was almost discombobulated XD but at the same time I was so happy for them, it was a long process with a successful end, they did it together, taking turns on the way, guiding themselves with the chemical markings their companions had left before on the sidewalk. True teamwork, and I don't even like ants... but I love to observe, and I love to learn from patience and from other communities that are way more "basic" than us, cuz sometimes they can teach us things - and yeah, LET'S NOT GO TO EXTREMES NOW BABIES XD.

I will never understand why people don't ask more questions, why they don't stop and look around or just stop to look at something just because they want to appreciate it. That is something I integrate in my daily routine, and I don't mind being looked at weird or whatever, I think the rest of people is missing out - same as when I'm into whatever music I'm listening and I walk-dance through the streets... what's the meaning of life if you're not enjoying it without hurting others!?

Enjoy! Observe! Learn! Make mistakes! Laugh! Make a fool of yourself and embrace it!!! "Normal" is a stupid construct, be YOU and don't let anyone stop you. Remember that the only person you'll always have by your side is yourself.

Appreciate all those quirks that make you special, because everyone is special in their own manner, there's no two of the same human, and that's frikkin bangin', don't you think? So... be you, and enjoy it.

 

♥

H E A L

Therapy is pain.

Therapy is healing.

Therapy is taking responsibility.

Therapy is realizing toxic behaviours, on yourself and others.

Therapy is therapeutic. Hahahahhaa ¬  ¬

No, but, honestly. For the first time in my life I'm taking care of myself from the inside out, being my first and main priority. Never before I've done that.

Being honest with myself I think it's been the hardest. Realizing all the shit I was putting in front of me to cover for everything I didn't like about myself. I became a pathological liar... just so I wouldn't deal with reality myself. I dwelled into substance abuse, isolation, lies, excessive spending, binge eating and for the first time... debt. All of those combined created a breaking point in me, a breaking point that I had created in partners in the past and wasn't quite aware as my mind was just blocking it, to be unconscious about behaviours I didn't like or hated about myself.

All of those compulsions were behaviours I learnt to survive/cope in my environment since childhood. My inner child felt violent energy around since before I was a toddler, and so it went into submissive mode, building barriers, building walls, feeling alone, not understood, abandoned by my own. That feeling lingered throughout my life, and that's what's made me brace my partners for dear life when I've been in relationships, even when they were being mean, aggressive, stalking or had me trapped in their apartment not letting me leave... just to feel loved, just to not be alone, just to not be abandoned, to feel seen... but I always found the same pattern... always found that violence or aggression I was fearing since early childhood in them. And that's no coincidence.

You can't really scape what you don't really face. And that's the biggest lesson I've learnt thus far.

Therapy is not easy. I joke with my therapist that I must be the client that cries the most in sessions, to what she just chuckles and says no XD This process is like peeling an onion, every layer that we take out unravels new feelings, more sensitivity, more knowledge, more consciousness. It sucks... and it's amazing... can't wait to keep going on, to get to know myself a bit more, to live an honest life, and to start really living.

♥

Self quarantine and the state of the world

I don't even wanna start with all the conspiracies that are rounding my brain with all this SARS-CoV-2 but despite all that... I feel the pain of all the people like me that struggle alone at home, isolated, depressed, without motivation, without stimuli, and even worse those that over that have to deal with other stuff, medical conditions, losing their job, heartache (me), etc.

I feel you, and I feel the world. I'm sad, and whilst I'm conscious about what we all ought to do, my brain just wants to drawn even more -.-

I feel so much pain for everything that's going on around the world, and I hate that my brain is making it about me because of my issues.

I'm sad, I'm isolated, unmotivated, alone, with only my "self-love"... and feel awful... I just wanna sleep this month off and see what mid April brings in honestly... if only it was that easy -.-

My heart aches, for the world, for the humans, for the animals... and it also deep down and everywhere hurts because who I thought would love me unconditionally didn't. And that's a hard pill to swallow.

I'm disappointed, more in him than in myself... I can disappoint myself, but I'm growing stronger, and slow progress is still progress. Don't let any codependent partner bring you down. I'm learning a lot about codependency and it's a shit... but putting more clarity in why that boy couldn't give me a chance or put a wall in between things...

Anyway, I hope whoever reads this feels less alone. We are dealing with life on a daily basis and that's already tough... with the quarantine and isolation... it's almost doom, but we're here for each other, and that's what counts.

Stay safe (from the government).

♥

self-love

Three months I've been waiting, for a guy I loved with all my soul to give me validation and love me unconditionally as I should be doing to myself.

Three months I've been waiting for someone else to love me unconditionally to start my life... when I should be loving myself unconditionally and kicking out anyone who don't...

He was not who I thought he was... he just wanted to "express" himself blaming me and making me feel even worse by my mistakes, whilst on the other end there's my therapist telling me I have to forgive myself cuz it all was a learnt survival behaviour... do you see the conundrum?

I am lost. I don't know who I am. I sometimes believe in me. But I don't love me as I should... and thus makes sense that I only attract toxic people who can latch onto it...

I can't stop crying, I can't stop feeling extreme anxiety, I don't wanna be awake... and still life goes on.

I have a clear idea of what love is and means to me... and what this guy has shown is not what I want... and still can't stop thinking about him, can't stop blaming myself as he did, I still can't stop waiting for him to tell me he got stuck and loves me unconditionally.

I need to stop waiting for someone to love me as I should be loving myself to start my own life. And he just showed me the kind of person he is. Hypocrite, untrustworthy and unable to view things differently or apply different mind prisms.

I'm destroyed inside... and have been many times... a friend of mine told me a little ago that she sees me so strong, cuz of all of the shit I've gone through specially in the last 3 years... and still I don't quite believe in myself.

How does one do it?

♥

P A I N

That's all I feel right now.

After years of dealing with an issue I didn't quite grasp until recently... I'm attacking it... even if I go a step back, I've done 7 ahead, and that's more that I've done ever with my compulsions to spend. 

Last year I thought I met my true soulmate, I thought despite the issues we had we would both improve and grow by the side, but I was wrong. The guy that had had so many life experiences, the guy that could talk about trauma with me when he had never before, the guy that told me that he loved me and wanted my babies, the guy I moved across country and left everything behind for... But as soon as my bad habit (a.k.a. my mental illness that makes me spend compulsively) made me be foggy with what was explaining cuz when I did explain my problem I only received aggro and believe me, it's not nice and made me always spiral into more of my disappointing behaviour (for me disappointing already and suffering inside, but still had to soak all that aggro of him until I spiraled even more into anxiety attacks and then him feeling like can't do a thing and talking to me with even less tact...).

Plus, when you have BPD and/or OCD compulsive spending comes in order to try and feel good, is a behaviour you learn in your teens in order to survive the detrimental chemical depressed state of your brain. That's what I've recently learnt. For the first time in my life too I'm taking fucking action to save and get better habits and I'm saving with the help of my parents so I cannot spend on unnecessary things. For the first time in my life I've realized it's a problem for me, and it affects everyone around me, specially the closest ones.

So imagine, you finally realize your issue, you finally take steps and real action, but still, the person you love whom you told them the first week of January that you weren't feeling they were helping but aggravating your anxiety with their behaviour, and if you were to stay together, you need that person to compromise in being with you all the way of improvement on your own... but no, I'm not enough, all the love? destroyed by hiding expenses, all the passion? who knows, respect? what's that?...

If you fucking love someone that much as he made me believe he did, and you see they finally are aware of the issues and are taking action, telling them to let pass some time to improve and then in a few months you are better then you're worthy of them... WTF? After a year of being together, with all the shit that's been, and still, I was there all the way around, with all my bullshit, with all my errors, but I was still there.

You told me that after my fucking trip to Canada everything changed and you couldn't feel the same... you told me after that you were obsessed cuz you saw me as invariable even though I was... I'm even more variable right now, I'm adapting, I'm learning... but now I deserve even less from you.

I don't understand how so much love, so many emotions, and so many opportunities are thrown away because YOU don't wanna improve, because YOU don't wanna work, because you just want a relationship with a girl in which things just roll around and you don't have to put any WORK in the relationship, and as I told you, that's a mannequin.

I feel alone, disgusting to this person. I am worthy, and this person has only stepped over me every time I've had any mental issue (even though I told him all about it when he started talking to me a year ago almost).

I deserve more. And I still don't understand. You fooled me so many times... and now I have to just be without my best friend, without my lover, without my soulmate, without my partner. But believe me, there will be a time in which someone will fucking treat me the way I deserve, and you barely did.

I hope sincerely that the next time you're with someone and you have an issue they just don't abandon you until you improve and can then be an option for them... because that's dooming, because that's not fair, because is being a hypocrite, which is what you are. And if they do... I hope you don't feel as I do cuz it would probably destroy you... and if you do feel it, maybe then you'll be able to understand me one day, but what I want is for you to think and understand without someone having to screw your life as you screwed mine.

♥

Fucking Trust Your Gut, Josie

So many months I had that feeling in my gut that something was wrong, that it was not normal, that I wasn't treated right, that I had heard already too many times "I'm so sorry I promise it won't happen again".

From the beginning I saw things I didn't quite like that made me wanna retrieve and isolate... but I was set on the potential of this being... and to get him to there, but the thing is... I have to be in love with whoever someone is... not with the idea of who they are in their minds (and/or what they tell you they are even if they don't show it, like, ever) or what I think they could be... Working on that progress, getting to be the best version of oneself is precisely that oneself's work, not mine, mine is to get to be what to me means to be the best version of myself, and my mind was not set on the right goals.

We, people with BPD, often end up getting abused psychologically, even though "society" puts us up as manipulative and evil... and yet, we get tricked into abusive relationships as we cling and have (usually) abandonment issues and emotions that are extremely intense. We are extremely vulnerable in that sense, and that is something I've had to learn the hard way.

The worst part of all of this is that in all my three bad experiences (toxic relationships) I had tried to leave them (a few times, and either they convinced me not to or I tried to get back, which only happened on my last one), I had doubts about their behaviour towards me, in some cases I was either so utterly disappointed or just feeling excruciating embarrassment about their behaviour with my friends.

I isolated myself for months from my family and friends, feeling ashamed of letting myself be treated like I was. Only a few times I felt I was treated like I deserve... but it lasted little. I was convinced by him that no-one was gonna love me as much as he, no-one was gonna care as much, you get the drill... but still, when something wouldn't go according to his (mental) plan he would just like "switch" and become a person full of anger and hatred and jealousy and pain... projecting it all on me. I cannot count the times I've had a panic and/or anxiety attack because of his behaviour... being crying as if my mom had just died, shaking and completely frozen without being able to move... and what you get then is complains for you crying and being like that, then you are over and try to leave, but he retains you in his home, but one way or another, "for your safety, cuz you are having a panic attack", like... MAN, I'VE HAD THESE FOR OVER A DECADE, I'M TELLING YOU WHAT I NEED, FUCKING HEAR ME INSTEAD OF TRYING TO DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT. RETAINING SOMEONE ON A FLAT WHEN THEY ARE HAVING A PANIC/ANXIETY ATTACK AND THEY ARE TELLING YOU (and have told you on baseline) THAT THEY NEED TO EXIT THE FLAT AND WALK OUT WITH FRESH AIR AND MUSIC TO CHILL ALONE YOU LISTEN TO THEM AND HELP THEM, BUT NO, YOU DECIDE THE BEST IS TO RETAIN ME AND MAKE ME LISTEN TO YOU, YOUR BULLSHIT AND GET ME EVEN WORSE...

I fell months for this fucking bullshit. Controlling, jealous, angry, full of hatred based on untreated trauma... and a whole lot. 

I hope if he reads this he leaves me the fuck alone, as I've asked him many times, even after I blocked/restricted him everywhere for him to call me from a phone booth... to fucking disguise his identity, after I told him to leave me alone and stop harassing me.

Anywhoooo...  I am a magnet for trauma bois ©, as my psychoanalyst told me last year, plus I didn't give myself enough the time to heal and did the same as the first time I left (well I was kicked of) a relationship, I got involved with a new partner in 6 months... and I'm seeing now that maybe I need to deal with more shit before trying to be with anyone.

I felt ashamed of talking to anybody about what I was going through these past few months. Even if he still thinks his behaviour is normal and it was all me "cuz you're the only one that this has happened with", sure, just fuck off. Inside I knew if I talked to anybody about it they would advise me to run... and still... I stayed, unhappy, miserable, hoping for love, hoping for care, hoping for attention, hoping for more, and getting less and less.

I still feel disappointed in myself, as I had the right feeling in my gut all along but... I didn't listen... And that's my pattern in toxic relationships, I feel something is wrong or I don't like some behaviours, but I expect to improve them... Fool me once, shame on you, fool me for the five hundredth time??? 🤦‍♀️ shame on me... and that's why I still feel stupid, even though I'm glad I'm out of there and back with my support system and friends, I cannot avoid but feel DUMB.

As always, this is just my brain dump, and this is my blog and I'm free to write whatever the fuck I want, so if you have any problem, deal with them on your own 🤙. Thank you, byeeeeeeeeee.

♥

Breaking Patterns

2020. After months of extreme love and turmoil, I changed my pattern in relationships. It's the first time I've definitely been the one splitting up with the other one. It doesn't feel good... it feels like crap. I'm sad, I'm sleeping a lot, crying a lot, eating too little, moving too little... got one of my painful anxiety periods and many nights I wake up with anxiety attacks. Losing my job three days after didn't quite help either. Neither did that I was alone, in a new city, with no friends, no boyfriend, no money and now no job. 

2020 has to be the year I build myself up by and for myself, asking for help when I need, and being conscious once and for all of my expenses.

And not just for 2020, this is just the beginning of a journey, a journey of growth, of healing my heart, of trying to adjust to being by myself in a new town.

I still don't have any real hobbies or anything that makes me feel quite good. Still on antidepressants even though I dropped them for a month and a half and I ended up reaaaaally screwed (crying on and off all day, no sense of baseline, depressed, taking everything as an attack and exhausted). My ex convinced me I didn't really needed them... but seems I really do and he realized and asked me to go back to them...

These past few months have been so complex, I've lived so many amazing things, and at the same time I've lived some of the most extremely scary and anxiety driving experiences in a relationship. Mixing two people with problems when one is straightforward about it but the other isn't and is not really working on them cuz he thinks he's "fixed"... not a good combination.

I thought he was my soulmate, I still do, I never felt a love as intense as with him before, which made me doubt myself about having ever been in love. Maybe we are soulmates, but definitely the timing isn't right, and the communication was poor by both parts, two water signs trying for the other one to read their mind... :facepalm:

I'm sad, I'm exhausted, I've done a bazillion arrangements I didn't ever think I was capable of doing by myself and even less to have to to them in a really small span of time, in a new town, all by myself.

The thing is... I've already broken a couple of patterns, I communicated my issues, that I wasn't being helped by him with my anxiety path, and despite trying for him to understand that was the most important step for me right now in what was our relationship... he shut off. When I felt like I had been mistreated already far too many times after this is when I dumped him. Break of patterns number 2 (even though a couple days after I asked if he wanted anything to do with me, and no, he definitely don't, so I've cut all contact), and the third break of patterns is doing all of those governmental arrangements on my own, by myself, yeah freaking out a couple of times... but I fucking did it!

I hope I can grow and learn to live with my brain.

♥

Accepting reality, letting go of biases

What is that feeling... when you think everything's ok... but in reality it is not? Is there a name? It's not like everything's bad, to be honest, it's more like something inside of you that you don't really know how to make click or manage.

What am I good at? What are my strengths? What did I do to be in the moment I am? What incubated the success or failure?

I need to be conscious of my behaviour, my triggers and my biases.

◦ ◦ ◦

Qué leches es esa sensación... cuando piensas que todo está bien... pero realmente no lo está? Y no es que todo esté mal, la verdad, es que hay algo en ti que no sabes acabar de encajar.

En qué soy buena? Cuáles son mis fortalezas? Qué he hecho durante estos años para llegar al momento en el que estoy? Qué incubó el éxito o el fracaso? 

Necesito ser consciente de mi comportamiento, mis disparadores y mis prejuicios.

♥

W H A T · A · F U C K I N G · M E S S · EH?

Yesterday I started  a new medication for my BPD. For the past couple of months I've been with anxiety over the roof despite using my tools and learned healthy skills, still succumbing into bad habits... I've been having crazy mood swing, and when I say crazy I mean crazy. I've been able to feel like 15 ups and downs in just a couple oh hours... it's terrible for everyone on my inner circle and even worse for me... it's excruciating and draining. Never managing to keep any good feeling for long.

The new medication is Quetiapine, which is an anti-psychotic drug to even out the kind of extreme mood swings. It's been 24h only, for now I've slept most of them... I've had many bad dreams, woken up a bazillion times, feel drowsy, uncomfortable, sad, moody, horny(dafaq?), lost and alone.

I've gone back to therapy but, there's no service in August and I'll have to deal just on my own. I'll have to be resourceful and clever. For now just trying to keep the mind busy with art projects, editing some videos for my family and starting the anxiety workbook recommended by my therapist.

Hope I feel better in a couple of weeks, which is usually when this kind of stuff may start to kick in.

◦ ◦ ◦

Ayer empecé con una nueva medicación para el TLP. Los dos últimos meses he tenido una ansiedad desbordante pese a usar mis herramientas y mecanismos sanos... he sucumbido a malos hábitos... He estado teniendo cambios de humor extremos, y cuando digo extremos quiero decir extremos. He podido tener unas 15 subidas y 15 bajadas en un par de horas... es horrible para todo el mundo en mi "círculo interno" y aún peor para mí... es insoportable y agotador. Nunca consiguiendo mantener los buenos sentimientos por mucho tiempo.

La nueva medicación es la Quetiapina, que es considerada una droga anti-psicótica para equilibrar el tipo de cambio de humor extremo que experiencio. Por ahora han sido solo 24h, y he dormido la gran mayoría de ellas... He tenido un montón de pesadillas y me he despertado mil veces, me siento mareada, incómoda, triste, alterada, cachonda (WTF?), perdida y sola.

He vuelto a terapia activamente, pero no hay servicio en Agosto y tendré que lidiar por mi misma. Tendré que sacar bien mis recursos y ser inteligente. Por ahora estoy intentando mantener la mente ocupada con proyectos artísticos, editando algunos videos para mi familia y empezando el libro de ejercicios para tratar y prevenir la ansiedad que mi terapeuta me recomendó.

Espero empezar a sentirme mejor en un par de semanas, que es lo que suele tardar este tipo de cosa en notarse.

♥

C O N F U S I O N

Hey there! Just one month after my latest post.

After two and a half weeks in Bilbao, and three weeks in Mississauga... I'm even worse and more lost than I was before. I'm breaking, I'm tearing apart from all the seams, and can't manage to do much good.

I've seen new places, I've had new experiences, experiences I'd never thought I'd get to have. But now I'm even at a worse starting point. In debt, with no money, with no job, with anxiety up the roof that starting to destroy me again, gaining weight again, getting lazy, unkept,... I don't wanna see my friends, I don't wanna hang, I just wanna sleep and feel good.

Everyone expects so much of me. Everyone knows I can give and be so much more. My guess is just that my rush in things has just broken all the rest.

Some chances are only one in a lifetime thing. When you get two at the same time... it just breaks, you can't enjoy neither, both demand, and you can't even be there for yourself, and if you're not there for yourself, how are you to be there for anyone else?

I'm starting to feel lost, disgusting and defeated all over again. I don't know what to do any more.

···

Alohita! Justo un mes tras mi último post.

Tras dos semanas y medias en Bilbao, y después tres semanas en Mississauga... estoy aún peor y más perdida que antes. Me estoy rompiendo, todas las costuras de mi ser están tirando con tanta tensión que en cualquier momento se romperán, y no consigo hacer gran cosa bien.

He visto nuevos sitios, tenido nuevas experiencias, experiencias que jamás habría pensado poder tener. Sin embargo... estoy peor que antes de todo esto. Con deudas, sin dinero, sin trabajo, con una ansiedad por los cielos que me está destrozando de nuevo, subiendo de peso de nuevo, aún más perezosa, sin cuidarme... No quiero ver a mis amigos, no quiero salir, solo quiero dormir y sentirme bien.

Todo el mundo parece esperar tanto de mí. Todos saben que puedo dar y ser mucho más. Pienso quizá que mis prisas con todo han roto todo lo demás.

Algunas oportunidades solo aparecen una vez en la vida. Cuando tienes dos a la vez... simplemente no funciona, el plano de la realidad se rompe porque no puede con tanto, no puedes disfrutar ninguna plenamente, todas tienen su demanda, y ni siquiera tienes tiempo para ti mismo... y si no estás ahí para ti mismo, cómo se supone que vas a poder estar ahí para los demás?

Me estoy sintiendo perdida, desagradable y derrotada de nuevo. Ya no sé qué hacer la verdad.

♥

T H E · A W A K E N I N G

Wow... what a couple of months... really, wowza XD

(via: Dee Lirium's Tumblr)

There's been ups, and downs, and some unbelievable things that are changing my life for the best. There's been plenty of coincidences pointing me towards a new person in my life, who is connecting with me in more ways that I've even felt before. It almost feels like fate, and I don't even know if I believe in fate...

Life is such a rollercoaster of emotions, so many decisions in one day, in one hour... even in less than one minute. These past few weeks have been intense, I've had to make many decisions, many of which included me secluding myself, not expressing my fears, my aches and pains...

(via: Charlotte's Awakening Tumblr)

I decided to isolate myself, to overeat, to project, to let my past conditioning overcome logic and emotion. All of that didn't help a pungent and huge physical distance with my SO (le new things happening) and the huge emotional connection we feel...

All in all I've progressed more as a human being in these past few months that in all my "adulthood" XDDD I'm learning to become the human I've always wanted to be, but always been so fearful to become.

I am starting to live my life, which I noticed I've been afraid to do my whole life, but that life is over :3

(via: Universal Soul's Tumblr)

♥

On a high

This week I had my first mood high since November 2016. I know it's odd I can even recall when was my last high, but it was so significant, it was impossible to have a next one whilst on a toxic relationship. 

This week I felt again the high in emotions, in mood, in happiness. This happens a lot with BPD. We live in a rollercoaster of emotions, the highs are usually closer together in most cases tho XD I felt like I needed no medication, like I needed no therapy or at least LESS, I felt I was on top of the world.

Now I'm on the crashing side, and boy oh boy it sucks, I'm again going towards the low in the rollercoaster where everything is irritating, 0 amusing and hostile. I'm tired, I feel like shit, and I just wanna cease to exist for a few hours, just to feel the calmness I should.

(Via: TessaViolet)

I feel weird, and odd, and lately I've been craving romantic intimacy so frikkin much... I'm scared AF to be in a relationship ever again, like, for reals, I don't wanna be manipulated and taken advantage of as I've been before in more than one relationship. I'm craving romantic intimacy, but I need to be in a better mental space before I think it's good for me. My self-esteem is still on the low, and the thing is, I need to feel good by myself, not look for a happiness band-aid to later on end up destroyed again.

♥

Reminiscing or letting go?

Do I really wanna remember that day? Do I really wanna have something bitter, sour, aching, raging and brutal always in my memory like something I should remember forever?

(via: spiritdaughtercollective)

Today I was reminiscing... and it only brought back gas-lighting memories and feelings... it was no bueno tbh. Then I decided to let go a bit more of my past, cuz the monster is still whispering in my ear, my brain was so programmed to believe a way that it's getting hard to believe in myself as a valid person.

(via: JimCarreyHere)

Just like that I felt way better. By pushing the strength to take control on some of my life, just a bit, just a ridicule bit that means SO MUCH. I'm still moving forward, I'm still trying to be a badass, flourishing slowly but surely.

♥

When the sky is not too much

Once upon a time, everyone surrounding me wanted me to believe I couldn't achieve my dreams... they were just, too silly, too unattainable, unrealistic, naïve... And no, I haven't gotten to any of those dreams yet, but at least now, there's quite less voices saying I can't, and the change began with me saying I CAN, because I'm strong and I'm a caring, compassionate and intense person, and I've decided to believe in me, whatever that ends up looking like.

Starting to take a bit more action, still feel idle. It's an odd feeling, knowing you're worth a million bucks but feeling you won't do anything right, or you won't be enough.

Life is so fucking confusing, it's so weird, there's so many expectations, so much judgement, when we all are way more similar than we think.

Humanity has been broken for way too long, and it doesn't seem like it's gonna get fixed anytime soon. Life is scary, and confusing, and... chaotic. Everything around me is crumbling. I don't really know what to do to survive.

♥

Twenty-one pilots and life

Two days ago today, I discovered Twenty-one Pilots thanks to a friend! And boy oh boy, he sold it so good! Explaining me all the links between the albums and the deep mental health foundation of the albums... plus they are Conceptual Albums which I absolutely adore! So I obviously fell in love, and since then I've listened to all of their albums 3 times, watched all videoclips, and a couple theory videos about the link between the albums.

I had heard of that band's name before, but never bothered looking into them, and now I have it almost all full circle to binge listen to them and love them to death. For now, Vessel is the one I like the least, and I love the groovy feel of Blurryface, Still love to bits the first and last albums.

Just wanted to document this current obsession as I think what they are doing/trying to do is a huge project, with amazing background, amazing music, amazing vocals and a shitload of creativity.

♥

Destruction, bulldozers and the Moonchild

New chapter of my new life.

Letting go of hate, of rage, of sadness, of compromise, of not asking, of not telling...

(via: chloebrotheridge)

It's hard, more so when I thought my life was going in one direction and now I find myself vulnerable, emotionally aching and with a clean slate to start over. I thought my life was going to be a certain thing, and I had no plan B. I was trusting, I was giving, I was naïve, and then, the bulldozers came and destroyed everything, leaving this moonchild crying and broken, sore, hurt, waiting for things to come together again, cuz I was unable to understand anything.

This moonchild is getting over, this moonchild feels relieved, this moonchild feels freer that has ever felt in over a decade. I have to learn to be self-sufficient, I have to learn how to achieve my dreams, how to save money and my mind, so much learning to do as a soon to be 30yo.

Many days I feel like a failure. Like I deserve nothing, and all that I've suffered was because I deserved to be unhappy, to be made small, to allow myself be convinced of wrong choices... I still feel like that many days. It's a tough road the one I'm going through right now. This is the heaviest shock I've had in my adult life. When I thought my life was going one way... but then lost everything, or at least, almost everything.

(via: nerdswithvaginas)

Many other days I feel like I've achieved more personally and spiritually in these past 3 months than in the past 10 years in relationships. I know right? like... WHAT? but I still am in a hurry to be at peace with my mind, to get a job again, to save money, to have my own transportation again, to eventually move out of my parents' again. I'm in a hurry to improve, to feel better... and that, often, means I am not acknowledging the good in my life, the steps I've already taken. I'm in such a hurry it's really hard to appreciate the small wins, the good moments, the happiness I can now feel sometimes.

This hurry is making me go crazy. And I'm trying to slow down with all my strength, but it's hard! I'm doing therapy twice a week, yet my mind is still in a hurry. It's only been 2 months of therapy (as my psychoanalyst likes to say instead of my "I've already been 2 months in therapy") so I know it's just the beginning of this new journey, but slowing my mind down is the hardest part. Hope if you're in a similar position can feel some comfort in knowing you're not alone.

Aghhhh, the past few days I've been with friends and having good times, yet the anxiety creeped on me making me gassy AF, one of the things I get the most when I get either good or bad anxiety (excitement or plain anxiety).

I feel alone. I don't know if someone will love me as I am ever again. Don't really know if I've been loved for who I really am yet... so... yep. Again, trying to hurry everything when it's only been 3 months after my breakdown.

(via: bpdmatters)

As always, writing down my thoughts helps quite a bit, so this is another of my brain-dumps XD hopefully, eventually, more interesting content will come to life, but for now, it's just brain-dumps.

♥

Dreams?

Hey there folks,

How ya doin'? I hope you're OK. Today I wanted to dump my mind about dreams.

For the longest time I had a few main dreams/goals in life, but the thing is, I allowed it to completely depend on another party... which is A HUGE ERROR. I had a few personal dreams that were kinda stolen from me and didn't even achieve them because I felt I didn't need them as another party already achieved them... those dreams I had since I was 14. Then I allowed my life plan to be dependant and controlled again by another party. All in all I've been so dependant, so influenced and so gaslighted that I didn't even feel I was gonna be able to achieve any of my dreams by myself, (and the BPD monster still brings it up).

I want to change that. I still lack on motivation, I still don't know what I wanna do with my life... but there's still some dreams that many people have tried and make me believe were impossible or that they were gonna provide them for me... and those, I still wanna achieve. It will be harder, for sure, and most times I think I won't ever be able to get to them... but I wanna be my own fucking person.

(via: youranxietyguru)

This year I'll be 30. It kinda tortures me as I'm alone, with no job and no savings, living back with my parents and going loads to therapy, so I really feel more like an ameba than anything... and even though I used to feel like said ameba all these past 5 years, it feels different, I'm not so devastated, and I think that is a lot.

What I wanna say is, don't allow anyone to tell you your dreams are not valid or important, don't allow anyone to take the motivation off you by achieving your own dreams, if they go for them as if they were theirs since childhood... let them live with their lack of personality, and do what you've always wanted to do.

BE YOU. WHATEVER THAT MEANS.

♥

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

When nothing is enough

There's people that don't know how to say no. There's people that can't accept a no. There's people that will try to put you down their whole life, whilst just reflecting their own issues...

Life is shitty, and life is amazing, and life is a mess and life is... life. All my life I've gone through so much shit without realizing. I've endured and tolerated SO MUCH I shouldn't have. I've blocked emotions, I've build a wall of protection, I've given it all when I felt I was safe... and let the walls down when I shouldn't. Now my mind is so confused, trying to deal with so much, a complete change in what I thought my life was gonna be.

I feel lost. I still feel lost after so many years coping with my mental health, and even though I'm still not ready to get a job or going back to studying... I'm so much better than I was a few years back whilst in toxic relationships. I'm, for once in a decade, SURVIVING and improving my physical and mental health, even if from the outside doesn't look like "enough", I'm fucking sick of that, what the fuck is fucking "enough" supposed to look like? eh? Getting up is already a success, brushing my teeth every day? SUCCESS, doing yoga and meditating? SUCCESS, socializing again and meeting new people? SUCCESS, going to therapy to overcome my problems and learn to deal better with my emotions? FUCKING BIG SUCCESS... those things are enough for me to see I'm growing. Yet, at the same time I feel like a failure, like I don't matter, like I won't achieve anything in life, all cuz I allowed my confidence, well-being and self-worth to be affected by toxic people who wanted to feel superior and in control.

(via: r.h. Sin)

I'm not gonna lie, I'm still pretty messed up, and have anger and reactivity issues, but I've improved so fucking much already, that I need to at least document that I am improving, that I am moving on, that... I'm finally free and allowed to be my own person, with encouragement by my side.

♥

Surviving after trauma - recovery

Hey there folks! LONG time no see, eh?

There's been a lot going on in my life since my last post... 

In 2018 I was:

• diagnosed with endometriosis (and battled it with an implant)
• diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and fought to gain as many skills as possible to improve
• diagnosed with Fibromyalgia (more on that later)
• on antidepressants yet again (4th cycle)
• self-mutilating non-stop my skin (the face specially) cuz' it felt better than my psychological and physical pain
• unhappy for too many years
• over-using weed to numb my pain
• promised to never be abandoned
• abandoned by the one who promised not to abandon me - and THANK GOD

(via: niamh_musician)

And then also... I had the worst year of my whole life (2018, hey!), went through unexpected trauma, lost my home and was forced to move back with my parents, lost who thought was my family (I was so wrong), lost my doges (it couldn't have been any other way... unemployed for a year and a half and no pay, savings or anything... like... how am I supposed to take proper care of them despite loving them more than anything in this world... not fair for either part), lost my own transportation, lost what I thought were mine and (at that time) my significant other's shared savings, lost 15Kg (33lb), and had to survive day by day with lots of suicidal and paranoid thinking.

(via: safespacebpd)

First of all, I'm seeing a new (private) therapist which is helping heaps with my disorder (BPD). I've already made more progress with him (and being out of a toxic relationship) in a month than 5 years of public health care and alternative ways... We figured out I was being gaslighted and aside from that I have several behavioural patterns that I follow since childhood (like making myself small and agree with people to make them happy, and as a result be extremely unhappy and get lots of anxiety making me snap in the end...) and we have to work on them so I can regain my self-esteem and feel like a valid human being again, because those are things I'm laking and have been laking for too long.

(via: youranxietyguru)

As for the Fibromyalgia... it looks like I was somatizing... SO FRIKKIN' MUCH! Both from my behavioural disorder and for the situation I was surrounded by. As soon as I moved back with my parents and a couple of weeks passed by... my body stopped aching... I stopped having contractures... it's like all the toxicity had been stuck on my body until I was set free. I was able to start exercising again, I lost all the weight I gained in 2017 and more (not in a very healthy way, but my stomach closed and if I forced fed myself I would puke...) and started to have interests again.

(via: yung_pueblo)

I've regained contact with old and not so old friends. I was able to see that I WAS (and am) LOVED by way more people than I thought (I thought I was forgotten, alone and that basically none of my friends loved me nor wanted to be with or hear from me). I started building my social bubble in summer 2016 I'd say, and since then I progressively stopped talking to my friends, and meeting them was too much for me (anxiety attacks ahoy!, obviously I wasn't comfortable with my body or my life). I'm socializing again, having good times with friends (it had been so long since I enjoyed them...), taking care of myself for the first time in YEARS.

(via: youniteverses_)

I don't like to set "new year's resolutions" but one thing is clear... I'm not gonna become my worst self ever again. I've been there a few times... and don't want to go there again (working on that with my therapist too :)). For now I'm taking care of my mind and body (with lots of help from real friends and family), and once I'm more stable we'll see what life brings along!

(via: spiritdaughter)

I've been and still am battling many depressive thoughts, it's really hard not to compare yourself to others. But actually, think about it this way: there's no stablished path, society may make you believe it, but there's no certain time in which one should do so and so... life is a journey, and I've finally started it.

(via: maryamhasnaa)

As for this platform, it has always been my outlet to express my feelings (of which I have loads) and I pretend to keep it that way for now. It's nice to check my thoughts from a year, two or more ago, and see how low and sunken was... (or not XD). I know and I am aware that there are and will be good and bad days or weeks (there's already been many), but I'm surviving them, and in the end, that's the most important part :)

(via: third_eye_thirst)

Hope that if you're feeling low, battling with your mental health, etc. know it's ok. It's ok to take time, it's ok to seek and/or ask for help. You have to know that everything will improve with time, you will get better, you are growing and you are way stronger than you think, you are loved, even if you don't think so, and time heals (or at least seals) wounds. It's ok, the most important thing is you wanting to change how you feel and take steps to do so <3

(via: you_are_not_crazy)

xoxo

♥