Destruction, bulldozers and the Moonchild

New chapter of my new life.

Letting go of hate, of rage, of sadness, of compromise, of not asking, of not telling...

(via: chloebrotheridge)

It's hard, more so when I thought my life was going in one direction and now I find myself vulnerable, emotionally aching and with a clean slate to start over. I thought my life was going to be a certain thing, and I had no plan B. I was trusting, I was giving, I was naïve, and then, the bulldozers came and destroyed everything, leaving this moonchild crying and broken, sore, hurt, waiting for things to come together again, cuz I was unable to understand anything.

This moonchild is getting over, this moonchild feels relieved, this moonchild feels freer that has ever felt in over a decade. I have to learn to be self-sufficient, I have to learn how to achieve my dreams, how to save money and my mind, so much learning to do as a soon to be 30yo.

Many days I feel like a failure. Like I deserve nothing, and all that I've suffered was because I deserved to be unhappy, to be made small, to allow myself be convinced of wrong choices... I still feel like that many days. It's a tough road the one I'm going through right now. This is the heaviest shock I've had in my adult life. When I thought my life was going one way... but then lost everything, or at least, almost everything.

(via: nerdswithvaginas)

Many other days I feel like I've achieved more personally and spiritually in these past 3 months than in the past 10 years in relationships. I know right? like... WHAT? but I still am in a hurry to be at peace with my mind, to get a job again, to save money, to have my own transportation again, to eventually move out of my parents' again. I'm in a hurry to improve, to feel better... and that, often, means I am not acknowledging the good in my life, the steps I've already taken. I'm in such a hurry it's really hard to appreciate the small wins, the good moments, the happiness I can now feel sometimes.

This hurry is making me go crazy. And I'm trying to slow down with all my strength, but it's hard! I'm doing therapy twice a week, yet my mind is still in a hurry. It's only been 2 months of therapy (as my psychoanalyst likes to say instead of my "I've already been 2 months in therapy") so I know it's just the beginning of this new journey, but slowing my mind down is the hardest part. Hope if you're in a similar position can feel some comfort in knowing you're not alone.

Aghhhh, the past few days I've been with friends and having good times, yet the anxiety creeped on me making me gassy AF, one of the things I get the most when I get either good or bad anxiety (excitement or plain anxiety).

I feel alone. I don't know if someone will love me as I am ever again. Don't really know if I've been loved for who I really am yet... so... yep. Again, trying to hurry everything when it's only been 3 months after my breakdown.

(via: bpdmatters)

As always, writing down my thoughts helps quite a bit, so this is another of my brain-dumps XD hopefully, eventually, more interesting content will come to life, but for now, it's just brain-dumps.

♥