Destruction, bulldozers and the Moonchild

New chapter of my new life.

Letting go of hate, of rage, of sadness, of compromise, of not asking, of not telling...

(via: chloebrotheridge)

It's hard, more so when I thought my life was going in one direction and now I find myself vulnerable, emotionally aching and with a clean slate to start over. I thought my life was going to be a certain thing, and I had no plan B. I was trusting, I was giving, I was naïve, and then, the bulldozers came and destroyed everything, leaving this moonchild crying and broken, sore, hurt, waiting for things to come together again, cuz I was unable to understand anything.

This moonchild is getting over, this moonchild feels relieved, this moonchild feels freer that has ever felt in over a decade. I have to learn to be self-sufficient, I have to learn how to achieve my dreams, how to save money and my mind, so much learning to do as a soon to be 30yo.

Many days I feel like a failure. Like I deserve nothing, and all that I've suffered was because I deserved to be unhappy, to be made small, to allow myself be convinced of wrong choices... I still feel like that many days. It's a tough road the one I'm going through right now. This is the heaviest shock I've had in my adult life. When I thought my life was going one way... but then lost everything, or at least, almost everything.

(via: nerdswithvaginas)

Many other days I feel like I've achieved more personally and spiritually in these past 3 months than in the past 10 years in relationships. I know right? like... WHAT? but I still am in a hurry to be at peace with my mind, to get a job again, to save money, to have my own transportation again, to eventually move out of my parents' again. I'm in a hurry to improve, to feel better... and that, often, means I am not acknowledging the good in my life, the steps I've already taken. I'm in such a hurry it's really hard to appreciate the small wins, the good moments, the happiness I can now feel sometimes.

This hurry is making me go crazy. And I'm trying to slow down with all my strength, but it's hard! I'm doing therapy twice a week, yet my mind is still in a hurry. It's only been 2 months of therapy (as my psychoanalyst likes to say instead of my "I've already been 2 months in therapy") so I know it's just the beginning of this new journey, but slowing my mind down is the hardest part. Hope if you're in a similar position can feel some comfort in knowing you're not alone.

Aghhhh, the past few days I've been with friends and having good times, yet the anxiety creeped on me making me gassy AF, one of the things I get the most when I get either good or bad anxiety (excitement or plain anxiety).

I feel alone. I don't know if someone will love me as I am ever again. Don't really know if I've been loved for who I really am yet... so... yep. Again, trying to hurry everything when it's only been 3 months after my breakdown.

(via: bpdmatters)

As always, writing down my thoughts helps quite a bit, so this is another of my brain-dumps XD hopefully, eventually, more interesting content will come to life, but for now, it's just brain-dumps.

♥

Dreams?

Hey there folks,

How ya doin'? I hope you're OK. Today I wanted to dump my mind about dreams.

For the longest time I had a few main dreams/goals in life, but the thing is, I allowed it to completely depend on another party... which is A HUGE ERROR. I had a few personal dreams that were kinda stolen from me and didn't even achieve them because I felt I didn't need them as another party already achieved them... those dreams I had since I was 14. Then I allowed my life plan to be dependant and controlled again by another party. All in all I've been so dependant, so influenced and so gaslighted that I didn't even feel I was gonna be able to achieve any of my dreams by myself, (and the BPD monster still brings it up).

I want to change that. I still lack on motivation, I still don't know what I wanna do with my life... but there's still some dreams that many people have tried and make me believe were impossible or that they were gonna provide them for me... and those, I still wanna achieve. It will be harder, for sure, and most times I think I won't ever be able to get to them... but I wanna be my own fucking person.

(via: youranxietyguru)

This year I'll be 30. It kinda tortures me as I'm alone, with no job and no savings, living back with my parents and going loads to therapy, so I really feel more like an ameba than anything... and even though I used to feel like said ameba all these past 5 years, it feels different, I'm not so devastated, and I think that is a lot.

What I wanna say is, don't allow anyone to tell you your dreams are not valid or important, don't allow anyone to take the motivation off you by achieving your own dreams, if they go for them as if they were theirs since childhood... let them live with their lack of personality, and do what you've always wanted to do.

BE YOU. WHATEVER THAT MEANS.

♥

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Cycling Barcelona . Looking for Art #2

I love cycling around Barcelona and finding little art gems around. It's so ridiculously fullfilling, when I find a piece that I really like! The two last ones I specially love, the first says "more sea means more sailing" and the last one is just amazingly delicate and detailed! I love how artists take over abandoned walls and make them pieces of art that anyone can enjoy by just walking around.

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Cycling Barcelona . Looking For Art

I used to love photography and art. I still love them, but they are hobbies that with the media revolution I lost touch with, but lately I've been craving picking up my bike and discover every little corner of where I live trying to find some nice pieces of street art, which I love a good piece of. There's also some facades I couldn't resist. Enjoy.

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· T H E    S T R E E T   A R T ·

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I hope to find more gems around soon and keep exploring my city.

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Coconut Oil Dark Chocolate Chip Cookies Recipe (gluten free)

So, it might be a new topic on Blueberry segmentS but I've always been a huge baking lover, in fact i usually make some sort of healthified cake/bread to have for breakfast and stuff - used to do every week, but now is more sporadical. It has been ages since I've made cookies and even though I have half banana bread from last week, I was feeling like cookies! I don't buy cookies on the supermarket as I'm trying to cut on refined sugars and also because I hate not knowing more than half the ingredients!

I took Coulinary Couture's "Perfect Coconut Oil Chocolate Chip Cookies" and made them with my own twist - as per usual when "following" a recipe, hope you know what I mean! It calls for plain white flour but instead I used rice flour, I used more vanilla, a bit more of salt - plus a bit more for topping - didn't use the granulated sugar and substituted for a bit of vanilla liquid stevia and for the chocolate chips I used my stevia sweetened 70% black chocolate!

Also, I don't usually follow the recipes per se, I tend to just mix by hand the wet ingredients and then mix in the dry ones, I hate using more than one bowl if I can't avoid it! - yeah, lazy ass. They came out really really good. They really filled my cookie craving! They were fluffy yet crunchy, kinda chewy and with the perfect amount of saltiness and sweetness!

*By the way, have you seen my new silicone heart shaped spatula? It's from tiger and I love it! Really handy to take the cookies out of the baking sheet and to make me happy*

Ingredients:

1 and 1/2 cups rice flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon coarse sea salt
1/2 cup coconut oil, room temperature
1/2 cup dark brown sugar

10 drops vanilla liquid stevia

1 egg
2 and 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
3/4 cup stevia sweetened dark chocolate chunks

Directions:

- Preheat oven to 350ºF/175ºC

- Prepare a couple of baking sheets, preferably with parchment paper - I didn't have so I rubbed some coconut oil on my one and only baking sheet that I reused once the first batch was done!

- In a large bowl mix the coconut oil, egg, sugar, stevia and vanilla extract with a whisk.

- Once whisked add baking soda, baking powder and salt and whisk again.

- Slowly add the flour - I did it at 1/4 of a cup batches - and mix it with a spatula (don't use the whisk as this mixture is about to get thick and sticky!).

- Chop the chocolate and add in the chunks to the mixture!

- Add scoops of 1 tablespoon to the baking sheet, leaving at least an inch between dough balls.

- Bake for 9 minutes - or until the edges start to brown.

- Let them cool a bit on the sheet and then transfer them to a wire rack - I used my oven rack.

- Preferably try not to eat them until they're cooled off!!!! Hardest task of them all, hahaha.

Let me know what you think if you make them!

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