H E A L

Therapy is pain.

Therapy is healing.

Therapy is taking responsibility.

Therapy is realizing toxic behaviours, on yourself and others.

Therapy is therapeutic. Hahahahhaa ¬  ¬

No, but, honestly. For the first time in my life I'm taking care of myself from the inside out, being my first and main priority. Never before I've done that.

Being honest with myself I think it's been the hardest. Realizing all the shit I was putting in front of me to cover for everything I didn't like about myself. I became a pathological liar... just so I wouldn't deal with reality myself. I dwelled into substance abuse, isolation, lies, excessive spending, binge eating and for the first time... debt. All of those combined created a breaking point in me, a breaking point that I had created in partners in the past and wasn't quite aware as my mind was just blocking it, to be unconscious about behaviours I didn't like or hated about myself.

All of those compulsions were behaviours I learnt to survive/cope in my environment since childhood. My inner child felt violent energy around since before I was a toddler, and so it went into submissive mode, building barriers, building walls, feeling alone, not understood, abandoned by my own. That feeling lingered throughout my life, and that's what's made me brace my partners for dear life when I've been in relationships, even when they were being mean, aggressive, stalking or had me trapped in their apartment not letting me leave... just to feel loved, just to not be alone, just to not be abandoned, to feel seen... but I always found the same pattern... always found that violence or aggression I was fearing since early childhood in them. And that's no coincidence.

You can't really scape what you don't really face. And that's the biggest lesson I've learnt thus far.

Therapy is not easy. I joke with my therapist that I must be the client that cries the most in sessions, to what she just chuckles and says no XD This process is like peeling an onion, every layer that we take out unravels new feelings, more sensitivity, more knowledge, more consciousness. It sucks... and it's amazing... can't wait to keep going on, to get to know myself a bit more, to live an honest life, and to start really living.

♥