Surviving after trauma - recovery

Hey there folks! LONG time no see, eh?

There's been a lot going on in my life since my last post... 

In 2018 I was:

• diagnosed with endometriosis (and battled it with an implant)
• diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and fought to gain as many skills as possible to improve
• diagnosed with Fibromyalgia (more on that later)
• on antidepressants yet again (4th cycle)
• self-mutilating non-stop my skin (the face specially) cuz' it felt better than my psychological and physical pain
• unhappy for too many years
• over-using weed to numb my pain
• promised to never be abandoned
• abandoned by the one who promised not to abandon me - and THANK GOD

(via: niamh_musician)

And then also... I had the worst year of my whole life (2018, hey!), went through unexpected trauma, lost my home and was forced to move back with my parents, lost who thought was my family (I was so wrong), lost my doges (it couldn't have been any other way... unemployed for a year and a half and no pay, savings or anything... like... how am I supposed to take proper care of them despite loving them more than anything in this world... not fair for either part), lost my own transportation, lost what I thought were mine and (at that time) my significant other's shared savings, lost 15Kg (33lb), and had to survive day by day with lots of suicidal and paranoid thinking.

(via: safespacebpd)

First of all, I'm seeing a new (private) therapist which is helping heaps with my disorder (BPD). I've already made more progress with him (and being out of a toxic relationship) in a month than 5 years of public health care and alternative ways... We figured out I was being gaslighted and aside from that I have several behavioural patterns that I follow since childhood (like making myself small and agree with people to make them happy, and as a result be extremely unhappy and get lots of anxiety making me snap in the end...) and we have to work on them so I can regain my self-esteem and feel like a valid human being again, because those are things I'm laking and have been laking for too long.

(via: youranxietyguru)

As for the Fibromyalgia... it looks like I was somatizing... SO FRIKKIN' MUCH! Both from my behavioural disorder and for the situation I was surrounded by. As soon as I moved back with my parents and a couple of weeks passed by... my body stopped aching... I stopped having contractures... it's like all the toxicity had been stuck on my body until I was set free. I was able to start exercising again, I lost all the weight I gained in 2017 and more (not in a very healthy way, but my stomach closed and if I forced fed myself I would puke...) and started to have interests again.

(via: yung_pueblo)

I've regained contact with old and not so old friends. I was able to see that I WAS (and am) LOVED by way more people than I thought (I thought I was forgotten, alone and that basically none of my friends loved me nor wanted to be with or hear from me). I started building my social bubble in summer 2016 I'd say, and since then I progressively stopped talking to my friends, and meeting them was too much for me (anxiety attacks ahoy!, obviously I wasn't comfortable with my body or my life). I'm socializing again, having good times with friends (it had been so long since I enjoyed them...), taking care of myself for the first time in YEARS.

(via: youniteverses_)

I don't like to set "new year's resolutions" but one thing is clear... I'm not gonna become my worst self ever again. I've been there a few times... and don't want to go there again (working on that with my therapist too :)). For now I'm taking care of my mind and body (with lots of help from real friends and family), and once I'm more stable we'll see what life brings along!

(via: spiritdaughter)

I've been and still am battling many depressive thoughts, it's really hard not to compare yourself to others. But actually, think about it this way: there's no stablished path, society may make you believe it, but there's no certain time in which one should do so and so... life is a journey, and I've finally started it.

(via: maryamhasnaa)

As for this platform, it has always been my outlet to express my feelings (of which I have loads) and I pretend to keep it that way for now. It's nice to check my thoughts from a year, two or more ago, and see how low and sunken was... (or not XD). I know and I am aware that there are and will be good and bad days or weeks (there's already been many), but I'm surviving them, and in the end, that's the most important part :)

(via: third_eye_thirst)

Hope that if you're feeling low, battling with your mental health, etc. know it's ok. It's ok to take time, it's ok to seek and/or ask for help. You have to know that everything will improve with time, you will get better, you are growing and you are way stronger than you think, you are loved, even if you don't think so, and time heals (or at least seals) wounds. It's ok, the most important thing is you wanting to change how you feel and take steps to do so <3

(via: you_are_not_crazy)

xoxo

♥