About addiction

Hey there! I'm back after more than one year.

Since my last post a lot of things have happened - both good and bad - but mostly good.

Aside from all the good - which I'll talk about in another post - today I wanted to talk about addiction.

For the past few months I was in stable psychologically - which made me be constantly worried as everything was going so good... my brain is not used to it, and so, I was trying to make up scenarios in which things would go bad. Talking about it with my therapist helped, as she made me see that I was addicted to suffering... I had nothing to suffer about at that moment... yet it's almost like I wanted something to be worried about, and as there was nothing, I worried about the what ifs.

In the past I've had substance abuse issues, my mind has a big addictive component, and so, I've spent loads on money on cannabis, clothes, nail polish, etc... The spending factor is a big one in addiction, which I already talked on various posts.

At the beginning of June I started playing a new MMORPG which was allegedly free to play! Amazing! But before I knew it had taken over my life. The house was a mess, I wasn't taking care of myself, I wasn't taking care of my surroundings and decided to stop... just to re-take it a few days later.

After this... I started on getting packs from the game (known as microtransactions) as it was seemingly impossible to improve your character stats - and it was, but I didn't want to see it, and they disguise it OH SO WELL so you just keep getting packs and spending your money without realizing how much you're spending.

Before I realized I had spend 1500€ on something that was giving me anxiety daily, taking sooooo many hours of each day, and a fixation and desperation to get better. The worst of all is... I didn't realize I had spend so much... I had to make myself a spreadsheet and see. It was devastating. I had taken into my savings. I was refusing plans just so I could had spare money to take on more loot packs from the game. I stopped enjoying soooo many things.

That realization was... this week. I'm so embarrassed, so frustrated, trying to get my money back as yes, I had an addictive component in myself, but this game was announced as FREE TO PLAY, and no warning was made about gambling risks.

I contacted the company... and they told me they couldn't make any refunds... I had opened claims with paypal over every single payment. I've cancelled every possible payment made through paypal on my bank... And I don't know how this is gonna end up, I'm filled with anxiety and afraid this will come with even more monetary reprecussions. I opened a complaint with the Catalan Board of Consume, asking for all my money back against the company and arguing about the gambling component it has without a warning.

I found out this game was banned before release in both Belgium and The Netherlands as they have anti loot-boxes laws to protect their citicens from gambling.

Over all this has been and addiction relapse... and I am disappointed about it. I had been 2 years sober of cannabis and 1 and a half sober with alcohol. I have had ups and downs tho with spending on clothing and general shit I don't need... But this has been the culprit. 

Yes I am ashamed, yes I have remorse, yes I am disappointed... but I'm also glad I realized I had a big issue between my hands before it got further. This has lasted three months. Yes, I relapsed, and it's something that can happen, even if it's in a way you didn't expect.

Living with an addictive mind is a life-long process of fighting and overcoming obessions and impulses. Therapy is essential, and a support system is aswell. Please, write about it, talk to someone close about it... It will take part of the burdain off of you and will help you realize more about the issue... or something that is starting to be an issue.

Be kind with yourself, you're doing great, you are a good person and you deserve happyness.

♥