The joys of being "alone"

Ever since I was 19 I was no more than 6 months single. I have only been in 3 serious relationships since (even though they've all been toxic and repeating the patterns that traumatized me when I was little).

For the first time I'm now already over a year single. Finally finding and founding myself out, creating my boundaries, exploring even more my sexuality, playing and sometimes flirting, enjoying sex without ties, stopped mothering (and as soon as I see a sign I run for dear life XD)... but the biggest thing has been the self-discovery.

Sure I miss romantic love, I miss cuddles, I miss having someone caring for me - not so much caring for someone as for the past 10 years I was gaslighted and abused and cared far too much for others and so... now I just wanna be selfish, and that's also OK.

I still have my friends if I wanna do social activities, I have friends that I love to meet one on one and others that I love to meet in group, and then others that I do both! But the biggest part has been being comfortable with being "alone" with myself, with my own thoughts, doing things on my own, going on 20Km walks alone, going to the beach alone, going to lunch alone, having the freedom to do whatever I want without being dependant on anyone else but me, so in reality, never alone, but just with myself.

I used to only care about pleasing others, and now I've learnt about caring about me. Sure I can still care about pleasing others, but I've learnt a big part I was missing in life that's necessary for surviving and not burning out or getting to resent any partner in the future.

As for now I'm comfortable alone. Sure, I'd like to find the perfect human for me, but still gotta get some more ducks in a row and be more aware of myself, but if something appears in the meantime I'm not gonna be the one to break serendipity! Who knows how many timelines have had to be chosen to end up there, so better take the chance, don't you think?

As for my situation now I'm still living with my parents, which honestly is... painful for my brain XD but making good progress with all my mental work, in the midst of a move and examinations to work for public organizations - being a busy bee. Still, for the first time I have a plan to move out - yeah, for the first time - even though I lived away from home for 6 years - from 24 to 29,5 and then from 30 to 30,5 - getting my savings/finances in order, have a frikkin plan, and getting myself a good stable job. I have been dependent on my partners for too long - except on my last relationship... in which I was the main money input, but whatever, still, no plans, overspending, lies, addiction... shit all over.

Right now I'm writing this in my childhood bunk bed that I've slept from 3yo to 24yo and then again from 31 on, in the new home I have an adult bed for the first time (with my parents), and I get to decorate the room as I wish even tho it's my parent's house, so I'm also grateful to be able to have a room I'll be able to feel comfortable in whilst I save up to get to my goals, it's a big thing when you live in a... basically a closet where only enters real sunlight for 1h one month a year and the bed is 80x180cm (and I'm a big gorl) and the views are to your neighbours kitchens and rooms XD In the new room I'll see the sky, and that makes me so happy, you can't even imagine. It's a small room, but I'm gonna make it amazing. Once it's done I'll take some pictures :)

♥