Fucking Trust Your Gut, Josie

So many months I had that feeling in my gut that something was wrong, that it was not normal, that I wasn't treated right, that I had heard already too many times "I'm so sorry I promise it won't happen again".

From the beginning I saw things I didn't quite like that made me wanna retrieve and isolate... but I was set on the potential of this being... and to get him to there, but the thing is... I have to be in love with whoever someone is... not with the idea of who they are in their minds (and/or what they tell you they are even if they don't show it, like, ever) or what I think they could be... Working on that progress, getting to be the best version of oneself is precisely that oneself's work, not mine, mine is to get to be what to me means to be the best version of myself, and my mind was not set on the right goals.

We, people with BPD, often end up getting abused psychologically, even though "society" puts us up as manipulative and evil... and yet, we get tricked into abusive relationships as we cling and have (usually) abandonment issues and emotions that are extremely intense. We are extremely vulnerable in that sense, and that is something I've had to learn the hard way.

The worst part of all of this is that in all my three bad experiences (toxic relationships) I had tried to leave them (a few times, and either they convinced me not to or I tried to get back, which only happened on my last one), I had doubts about their behaviour towards me, in some cases I was either so utterly disappointed or just feeling excruciating embarrassment about their behaviour with my friends.

I isolated myself for months from my family and friends, feeling ashamed of letting myself be treated like I was. Only a few times I felt I was treated like I deserve... but it lasted little. I was convinced by him that no-one was gonna love me as much as he, no-one was gonna care as much, you get the drill... but still, when something wouldn't go according to his (mental) plan he would just like "switch" and become a person full of anger and hatred and jealousy and pain... projecting it all on me. I cannot count the times I've had a panic and/or anxiety attack because of his behaviour... being crying as if my mom had just died, shaking and completely frozen without being able to move... and what you get then is complains for you crying and being like that, then you are over and try to leave, but he retains you in his home, but one way or another, "for your safety, cuz you are having a panic attack", like... MAN, I'VE HAD THESE FOR OVER A DECADE, I'M TELLING YOU WHAT I NEED, FUCKING HEAR ME INSTEAD OF TRYING TO DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT. RETAINING SOMEONE ON A FLAT WHEN THEY ARE HAVING A PANIC/ANXIETY ATTACK AND THEY ARE TELLING YOU (and have told you on baseline) THAT THEY NEED TO EXIT THE FLAT AND WALK OUT WITH FRESH AIR AND MUSIC TO CHILL ALONE YOU LISTEN TO THEM AND HELP THEM, BUT NO, YOU DECIDE THE BEST IS TO RETAIN ME AND MAKE ME LISTEN TO YOU, YOUR BULLSHIT AND GET ME EVEN WORSE...

I fell months for this fucking bullshit. Controlling, jealous, angry, full of hatred based on untreated trauma... and a whole lot. 

I hope if he reads this he leaves me the fuck alone, as I've asked him many times, even after I blocked/restricted him everywhere for him to call me from a phone booth... to fucking disguise his identity, after I told him to leave me alone and stop harassing me.

Anywhoooo...  I am a magnet for trauma bois ©, as my psychoanalyst told me last year, plus I didn't give myself enough the time to heal and did the same as the first time I left (well I was kicked of) a relationship, I got involved with a new partner in 6 months... and I'm seeing now that maybe I need to deal with more shit before trying to be with anyone.

I felt ashamed of talking to anybody about what I was going through these past few months. Even if he still thinks his behaviour is normal and it was all me "cuz you're the only one that this has happened with", sure, just fuck off. Inside I knew if I talked to anybody about it they would advise me to run... and still... I stayed, unhappy, miserable, hoping for love, hoping for care, hoping for attention, hoping for more, and getting less and less.

I still feel disappointed in myself, as I had the right feeling in my gut all along but... I didn't listen... And that's my pattern in toxic relationships, I feel something is wrong or I don't like some behaviours, but I expect to improve them... Fool me once, shame on you, fool me for the five hundredth time??? 🤦‍♀️ shame on me... and that's why I still feel stupid, even though I'm glad I'm out of there and back with my support system and friends, I cannot avoid but feel DUMB.

As always, this is just my brain dump, and this is my blog and I'm free to write whatever the fuck I want, so if you have any problem, deal with them on your own 🤙. Thank you, byeeeeeeeeee.

♥