Breaking Patterns

2020. After months of extreme love and turmoil, I changed my pattern in relationships. It's the first time I've definitely been the one splitting up with the other one. It doesn't feel good... it feels like crap. I'm sad, I'm sleeping a lot, crying a lot, eating too little, moving too little... got one of my painful anxiety periods and many nights I wake up with anxiety attacks. Losing my job three days after didn't quite help either. Neither did that I was alone, in a new city, with no friends, no boyfriend, no money and now no job. 

2020 has to be the year I build myself up by and for myself, asking for help when I need, and being conscious once and for all of my expenses.

And not just for 2020, this is just the beginning of a journey, a journey of growth, of healing my heart, of trying to adjust to being by myself in a new town.

I still don't have any real hobbies or anything that makes me feel quite good. Still on antidepressants even though I dropped them for a month and a half and I ended up reaaaaally screwed (crying on and off all day, no sense of baseline, depressed, taking everything as an attack and exhausted). My ex convinced me I didn't really needed them... but seems I really do and he realized and asked me to go back to them...

These past few months have been so complex, I've lived so many amazing things, and at the same time I've lived some of the most extremely scary and anxiety driving experiences in a relationship. Mixing two people with problems when one is straightforward about it but the other isn't and is not really working on them cuz he thinks he's "fixed"... not a good combination.

I thought he was my soulmate, I still do, I never felt a love as intense as with him before, which made me doubt myself about having ever been in love. Maybe we are soulmates, but definitely the timing isn't right, and the communication was poor by both parts, two water signs trying for the other one to read their mind... :facepalm:

I'm sad, I'm exhausted, I've done a bazillion arrangements I didn't ever think I was capable of doing by myself and even less to have to to them in a really small span of time, in a new town, all by myself.

The thing is... I've already broken a couple of patterns, I communicated my issues, that I wasn't being helped by him with my anxiety path, and despite trying for him to understand that was the most important step for me right now in what was our relationship... he shut off. When I felt like I had been mistreated already far too many times after this is when I dumped him. Break of patterns number 2 (even though a couple days after I asked if he wanted anything to do with me, and no, he definitely don't, so I've cut all contact), and the third break of patterns is doing all of those governmental arrangements on my own, by myself, yeah freaking out a couple of times... but I fucking did it!

I hope I can grow and learn to live with my brain.

♥