P A I N

That's all I feel right now.

After years of dealing with an issue I didn't quite grasp until recently... I'm attacking it... even if I go a step back, I've done 7 ahead, and that's more that I've done ever with my compulsions to spend. 

Last year I thought I met my true soulmate, I thought despite the issues we had we would both improve and grow by the side, but I was wrong. The guy that had had so many life experiences, the guy that could talk about trauma with me when he had never before, the guy that told me that he loved me and wanted my babies, the guy I moved across country and left everything behind for... But as soon as my bad habit (a.k.a. my mental illness that makes me spend compulsively) made me be foggy with what was explaining cuz when I did explain my problem I only received aggro and believe me, it's not nice and made me always spiral into more of my disappointing behaviour (for me disappointing already and suffering inside, but still had to soak all that aggro of him until I spiraled even more into anxiety attacks and then him feeling like can't do a thing and talking to me with even less tact...).

Plus, when you have BPD and/or OCD compulsive spending comes in order to try and feel good, is a behaviour you learn in your teens in order to survive the detrimental chemical depressed state of your brain. That's what I've recently learnt. For the first time in my life too I'm taking fucking action to save and get better habits and I'm saving with the help of my parents so I cannot spend on unnecessary things. For the first time in my life I've realized it's a problem for me, and it affects everyone around me, specially the closest ones.

So imagine, you finally realize your issue, you finally take steps and real action, but still, the person you love whom you told them the first week of January that you weren't feeling they were helping but aggravating your anxiety with their behaviour, and if you were to stay together, you need that person to compromise in being with you all the way of improvement on your own... but no, I'm not enough, all the love? destroyed by hiding expenses, all the passion? who knows, respect? what's that?...

If you fucking love someone that much as he made me believe he did, and you see they finally are aware of the issues and are taking action, telling them to let pass some time to improve and then in a few months you are better then you're worthy of them... WTF? After a year of being together, with all the shit that's been, and still, I was there all the way around, with all my bullshit, with all my errors, but I was still there.

You told me that after my fucking trip to Canada everything changed and you couldn't feel the same... you told me after that you were obsessed cuz you saw me as invariable even though I was... I'm even more variable right now, I'm adapting, I'm learning... but now I deserve even less from you.

I don't understand how so much love, so many emotions, and so many opportunities are thrown away because YOU don't wanna improve, because YOU don't wanna work, because you just want a relationship with a girl in which things just roll around and you don't have to put any WORK in the relationship, and as I told you, that's a mannequin.

I feel alone, disgusting to this person. I am worthy, and this person has only stepped over me every time I've had any mental issue (even though I told him all about it when he started talking to me a year ago almost).

I deserve more. And I still don't understand. You fooled me so many times... and now I have to just be without my best friend, without my lover, without my soulmate, without my partner. But believe me, there will be a time in which someone will fucking treat me the way I deserve, and you barely did.

I hope sincerely that the next time you're with someone and you have an issue they just don't abandon you until you improve and can then be an option for them... because that's dooming, because that's not fair, because is being a hypocrite, which is what you are. And if they do... I hope you don't feel as I do cuz it would probably destroy you... and if you do feel it, maybe then you'll be able to understand me one day, but what I want is for you to think and understand without someone having to screw your life as you screwed mine.

♥