self-love

Three months I've been waiting, for a guy I loved with all my soul to give me validation and love me unconditionally as I should be doing to myself.

Three months I've been waiting for someone else to love me unconditionally to start my life... when I should be loving myself unconditionally and kicking out anyone who don't...

He was not who I thought he was... he just wanted to "express" himself blaming me and making me feel even worse by my mistakes, whilst on the other end there's my therapist telling me I have to forgive myself cuz it all was a learnt survival behaviour... do you see the conundrum?

I am lost. I don't know who I am. I sometimes believe in me. But I don't love me as I should... and thus makes sense that I only attract toxic people who can latch onto it...

I can't stop crying, I can't stop feeling extreme anxiety, I don't wanna be awake... and still life goes on.

I have a clear idea of what love is and means to me... and what this guy has shown is not what I want... and still can't stop thinking about him, can't stop blaming myself as he did, I still can't stop waiting for him to tell me he got stuck and loves me unconditionally.

I need to stop waiting for someone to love me as I should be loving myself to start my own life. And he just showed me the kind of person he is. Hypocrite, untrustworthy and unable to view things differently or apply different mind prisms.

I'm destroyed inside... and have been many times... a friend of mine told me a little ago that she sees me so strong, cuz of all of the shit I've gone through specially in the last 3 years... and still I don't quite believe in myself.

How does one do it?

♥