About addiction

Hey there! I'm back after more than one year.

Since my last post a lot of things have happened - both good and bad - but mostly good.

Aside from all the good - which I'll talk about in another post - today I wanted to talk about addiction.

For the past few months I was in stable psychologically - which made me be constantly worried as everything was going so good... my brain is not used to it, and so, I was trying to make up scenarios in which things would go bad. Talking about it with my therapist helped, as she made me see that I was addicted to suffering... I had nothing to suffer about at that moment... yet it's almost like I wanted something to be worried about, and as there was nothing, I worried about the what ifs.

In the past I've had substance abuse issues, my mind has a big addictive component, and so, I've spent loads on money on cannabis, clothes, nail polish, etc... The spending factor is a big one in addiction, which I already talked on various posts.

At the beginning of June I started playing a new MMORPG which was allegedly free to play! Amazing! But before I knew it had taken over my life. The house was a mess, I wasn't taking care of myself, I wasn't taking care of my surroundings and decided to stop... just to re-take it a few days later.

After this... I started on getting packs from the game (known as microtransactions) as it was seemingly impossible to improve your character stats - and it was, but I didn't want to see it, and they disguise it OH SO WELL so you just keep getting packs and spending your money without realizing how much you're spending.

Before I realized I had spend 1500€ on something that was giving me anxiety daily, taking sooooo many hours of each day, and a fixation and desperation to get better. The worst of all is... I didn't realize I had spend so much... I had to make myself a spreadsheet and see. It was devastating. I had taken into my savings. I was refusing plans just so I could had spare money to take on more loot packs from the game. I stopped enjoying soooo many things.

That realization was... this week. I'm so embarrassed, so frustrated, trying to get my money back as yes, I had an addictive component in myself, but this game was announced as FREE TO PLAY, and no warning was made about gambling risks.

I contacted the company... and they told me they couldn't make any refunds... I had opened claims with paypal over every single payment. I've cancelled every possible payment made through paypal on my bank... And I don't know how this is gonna end up, I'm filled with anxiety and afraid this will come with even more monetary reprecussions. I opened a complaint with the Catalan Board of Consume, asking for all my money back against the company and arguing about the gambling component it has without a warning.

I found out this game was banned before release in both Belgium and The Netherlands as they have anti loot-boxes laws to protect their citicens from gambling.

Over all this has been and addiction relapse... and I am disappointed about it. I had been 2 years sober of cannabis and 1 and a half sober with alcohol. I have had ups and downs tho with spending on clothing and general shit I don't need... But this has been the culprit. 

Yes I am ashamed, yes I have remorse, yes I am disappointed... but I'm also glad I realized I had a big issue between my hands before it got further. This has lasted three months. Yes, I relapsed, and it's something that can happen, even if it's in a way you didn't expect.

Living with an addictive mind is a life-long process of fighting and overcoming obessions and impulses. Therapy is essential, and a support system is aswell. Please, write about it, talk to someone close about it... It will take part of the burdain off of you and will help you realize more about the issue... or something that is starting to be an issue.

Be kind with yourself, you're doing great, you are a good person and you deserve happyness.

♥

The joys of being "alone"

Ever since I was 19 I was no more than 6 months single. I have only been in 3 serious relationships since (even though they've all been toxic and repeating the patterns that traumatized me when I was little).

For the first time I'm now already over a year single. Finally finding and founding myself out, creating my boundaries, exploring even more my sexuality, playing and sometimes flirting, enjoying sex without ties, stopped mothering (and as soon as I see a sign I run for dear life XD)... but the biggest thing has been the self-discovery.

Sure I miss romantic love, I miss cuddles, I miss having someone caring for me - not so much caring for someone as for the past 10 years I was gaslighted and abused and cared far too much for others and so... now I just wanna be selfish, and that's also OK.

I still have my friends if I wanna do social activities, I have friends that I love to meet one on one and others that I love to meet in group, and then others that I do both! But the biggest part has been being comfortable with being "alone" with myself, with my own thoughts, doing things on my own, going on 20Km walks alone, going to the beach alone, going to lunch alone, having the freedom to do whatever I want without being dependant on anyone else but me, so in reality, never alone, but just with myself.

I used to only care about pleasing others, and now I've learnt about caring about me. Sure I can still care about pleasing others, but I've learnt a big part I was missing in life that's necessary for surviving and not burning out or getting to resent any partner in the future.

As for now I'm comfortable alone. Sure, I'd like to find the perfect human for me, but still gotta get some more ducks in a row and be more aware of myself, but if something appears in the meantime I'm not gonna be the one to break serendipity! Who knows how many timelines have had to be chosen to end up there, so better take the chance, don't you think?

As for my situation now I'm still living with my parents, which honestly is... painful for my brain XD but making good progress with all my mental work, in the midst of a move and examinations to work for public organizations - being a busy bee. Still, for the first time I have a plan to move out - yeah, for the first time - even though I lived away from home for 6 years - from 24 to 29,5 and then from 30 to 30,5 - getting my savings/finances in order, have a frikkin plan, and getting myself a good stable job. I have been dependent on my partners for too long - except on my last relationship... in which I was the main money input, but whatever, still, no plans, overspending, lies, addiction... shit all over.

Right now I'm writing this in my childhood bunk bed that I've slept from 3yo to 24yo and then again from 31 on, in the new home I have an adult bed for the first time (with my parents), and I get to decorate the room as I wish even tho it's my parent's house, so I'm also grateful to be able to have a room I'll be able to feel comfortable in whilst I save up to get to my goals, it's a big thing when you live in a... basically a closet where only enters real sunlight for 1h one month a year and the bed is 80x180cm (and I'm a big gorl) and the views are to your neighbours kitchens and rooms XD In the new room I'll see the sky, and that makes me so happy, you can't even imagine. It's a small room, but I'm gonna make it amazing. Once it's done I'll take some pictures :)

♥

The observer

The other day, like a couple weeks ago, I was going out to throw out the trash. On my way back home I discerned something that really stood out to me. 

Picture just your regular lane to an avenue, people walking, the sun is shining, spring has sprung and all the trees are green. Everyone's on their own thing. I take a few steps on the sidewalk back from the trash recycling and start walking up on an incline.

I'm always with my headphones, some song on repeat, or some album or playlist created by me on repeat. I love to observe everything. The people, the movement around, the soil, the pavement, the metal of the railing on the ramp, the trees... People's always so focused, so worried with what they ought to do, they miss everything that's around them, and I live in my surroundings.

Anyway, lucky me, I found a new anthill, in a tiny crack by the sidewalk. Hundreds of ants were working nonstop, bringing teeny tiny rocks in, seeds, crumbs, little twigs and sticks, all you can imagine, and I couldn't but sit on the ground and stare at them, mesmerized, when 3 of them took a piece of a brick, maybe 5x3mm, and quickly a couple more ants joined in to help. It seemed so daunting, it was huge for them, and I wasn't quite sure it was gonna fit in their nest's hole! It all was a call for disaster! - I was thinking - all this work and efforts and maybe then they won't be able to take advantage of what looks like a key piece for them.

After like 10 minutes of careful observation - of various groups of ants, bringing in diverse items to the nest and other going out to new adventures - the brick group finally arrived. And then... like nothing, they maneuvered without any issue and the frikkin piece of brick entered no problem, I was almost discombobulated XD but at the same time I was so happy for them, it was a long process with a successful end, they did it together, taking turns on the way, guiding themselves with the chemical markings their companions had left before on the sidewalk. True teamwork, and I don't even like ants... but I love to observe, and I love to learn from patience and from other communities that are way more "basic" than us, cuz sometimes they can teach us things - and yeah, LET'S NOT GO TO EXTREMES NOW BABIES XD.

I will never understand why people don't ask more questions, why they don't stop and look around or just stop to look at something just because they want to appreciate it. That is something I integrate in my daily routine, and I don't mind being looked at weird or whatever, I think the rest of people is missing out - same as when I'm into whatever music I'm listening and I walk-dance through the streets... what's the meaning of life if you're not enjoying it without hurting others!?

Enjoy! Observe! Learn! Make mistakes! Laugh! Make a fool of yourself and embrace it!!! "Normal" is a stupid construct, be YOU and don't let anyone stop you. Remember that the only person you'll always have by your side is yourself.

Appreciate all those quirks that make you special, because everyone is special in their own manner, there's no two of the same human, and that's frikkin bangin', don't you think? So... be you, and enjoy it.

 

♥

2020... fuck

31, single, engineer, artist, musician, photographer, witty, nonconformist, fighter, skateboarder in training, big thinker, daughter, sister, friend, baker, mystery lover, and a thousand more things I am.

Sometimes I let labels establish what I should be or have been by now.

I started this post on August 2020... And it's taken me this long to continue after just one paragraph...

Times are hard. I've been lucky. I managed to stay with my parents as a temporary stay before all the Rona shit... and then... obviously had to stay.

Lucky cuz' I've been taken care of, they've provided me with therapy (which I needed and I still do and I'm having), food, shelter, unconditional love despite my addictions, love despite everything else, love in all my healing, despite how I was. It has been hard on them, but oh God, I am thankful to have them.

For a good while I didn't. I despised them.

Yeah, all parents have their faults. No parent is perfect. No parent is gonna provide with all your needs. Even less if you're a Highly Sensitive Person and they have their own issues they don't know how to deal with whilst you're growing up.

But they've made amends, they've gone to family therapy with me, they've tried to understand me, even if it's still out of their range, they try and understand the sensitive person I am, and HOW I have lived certain experiences.

Last December I was on sick leave due to anxiety. One of the things they suggested was to exercise, to get out, to get the sun. As a consequence of my own recklessness I got an MCL sprain that may also have compromised my ACL.

I am slowly but surely recovering. On my own. By myself. I refused help. I wanted to heal myself and I'm doing it so good no surgeon could believe the improvements I made on a month and a half.

My knee is still busted. I cannot really do deep squats as I used to (or the asian squat if you will, which used to be my own comfort position), but at least now I can walk and I'm regaining my hyperextension on my knee, which my surgeon believed I wouldn't be able to regain ever again.

It's been a mishmash of a lot of shit. Getting a job, getting abused at that job, getting on leave because of that abuse, getting fired cuz' I was on leave... and then the sprain... a month without therapy cuz of the holidays... going back to old habits... but what I'm proudest of is being 6 and a half months sober of weed, which was an addiction that had taken over my life.

Every day is a fight. Every day I feel lonely. Every day is rough... but I keep going. And YES, I have it easier than MANY other folks, and for that I am so fucking privileged. But accepting last July that I was an Addict was the hardest thing I've ever done.

With that I just wanna say... Thank you. To whichever forces made it possible.

Thank you, for the journey.

♥